Unsure and uncertain

‘Present mirth hath present laughter, what’s to come is still unsure.’ – William Shakespeare

As I write this I’m genuinely not sure if I’ll publish it or not. You see I’m not in the best of places. To be frank I’m not sure of most things right now. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, nothing ever seems to be or go right. I wish I could read minds, but I can’t. I wish I could predict the future, but I can’t. Not for the first time in my life I feel utterly worthless and useless and that in itself would be OK. After all I’ve known all my adult life that I wasn’t good enough, many people including my own parents told me that and sometimes often, but even I could do without being constantly reminded of how crap I am at everything. Life generally is getting to be a very dark and lonely place and I can feel myself retreating into myself, slowly giving in to depression and despair.

To be fair I’m just about human so I can’t know what people want of me unless they tell me. I’m not clairvoyant at all, I need and welcome a little guidance. That’s not nagging, it’s not moaning, it’s just straight forward and direct. Some people find that difficult to accept. I always thought communication was a good thing, seems I was wrong.

I’m left wondering whether I should just give up. After all what is the point of trying when nothing you do or say will ever make a difference. Am I just wasting their time and mine even trying? Should I just cut my losses and accept failure? That’s likely to be better than drifting in to the black fog that seems to be surrounding my life and heart. The fog will still be there of course but I’ll have resigned myself to it and to being alone.

I’ve known loneliness, it’s not at all pleasant but sometimes it is required. I’ve often been a pariah and perhaps that is the role that life would now have me play. To fade away, keep out of the way and accept the emptiness that my life will become. Without complaint, without comment, just find somewhere to rot away. Perhaps that is my lot.

I may as well publish this, it’ll make no difference anyway and at least I can be honest with myself by doing so. I may not blog for a while so although I may be broken, I wish any readers of this well and hope they fare better than I. I’ll try to be there for those I love and care for, but in truth I have very little left to give. I’m tired, empty and cold and so may not be able to give of myself as I would normally like.

I finish with the thought that I hope the world is a brighter place for you than it is for me.

admin posted at 2013-5-7 Category: Rants