Adjusting to solitude after loss….

Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face—I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself. — Nicholas Sparks

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog correctly and circumstances now allow me to do so. Much has happened in the last few months. The love of my life Angela wanted to be with someone else and decided to ask me to leave and as a result, I lost the one person I loved most in the whole world, the place I had made my home, a great many of our mutual friends, the three most wonderful cats on the planet and most importantly almost myself. I can write things here as no-one will ever read them aside from me, so it’s safe. Thinking about it, I only write this for me to review the past.

So when I say I always lost myself, there’s a truth to that which I hope none of you will ever understand. In the last three months, I’ve attempted to end my life on four separate occasions, each one more severe than the last. As of the time of writing, I am little more than a walking cadaver, all I know is hurt and pain and all that I can see is more of the same until I pass. To start with people were seemingly supportive but as time continued, I was made aware by some that they believed my suicide attempts to be nothing more than attention seeking. If only they were! People I’d considered friends said some of the most awful things, and while I would fully accept I’m far from perfect, some of the comments made behind my back were frankly overtly offensive. I am many things, but I can not understand why anyone would act in such a harmful way about anyone who was in serious trouble.

Right now, I’m at no immediate threat to myself as I need to organise my affairs before I decide whether to pass as I have no one now who would do that for me. So I go to work, put on a mask of normality as best I can, and quietly proceed through a checklist of requirements which I need to complete before I can perhaps allow myself to be released from this emptiness of a world and leave all the pain beyond as I journey into oblivion. But while those matters are being put into place, I have to ensure that I’m not further compromised.

Social media is and can be used as a powerful tool for good, but it’s not without its failings. Many of the most hurtful comments made about me  have been via those media streams and as a result, I have had to separate myself from a great many who have done me no wrong, to protect myself in this intervening period from the few who will peddle untruth, lies and use lots of words to say little or a message of hurt wrapped in the veil of concern. Now I can’t totally remove myself from places like Facebook as I need to keep a veneer of normality going for a while, so I’ve had to remove friends who were connected to the people making my situation worse, as the ‘Friends of Friends’ privacy issue requiring that to happen. I recognise that for some of those people de-friended, they may view this negatively and I am sorry about that but I have no choice. It will be interesting to see if I have any contact by any of the over 100 people involved asking if I’m OK, I’d like to think that one or two might though I accept it’s unlikely any of them will get in touch. They know the dark place I’m in, it’s regrettably normal for people to avoid those in pain and hurting where they can. I understand that reaction, it does not help me of course, but I do understand it. Maybe I’m wrong and 1 or 2 might say hello. We shall see.

On top of that, I lost my Uncle Peter to COPD this week. He was the last senior blood-related relative I had and a damn fine human being. No idea if I’ll be invited and/or permitted to attend the funeral or not as yet. My ongoing pariah status with many means that might not be possible and perhaps bearing in mind my current depressed state, that might not be a bad thing. I’ll have to wait and see I suppose.

So where am I now existing? I have a ‘cell’ back at Base Camp where I thought I’d escaped from to a better life, only to be pushed back to it, discarded, dejected, rejected, depressed and alone. With no Paul this time, the emptiness and solitude are even more all-enveloping than the last time. The need to remove so many connections via Social Media making even worse but in life, sometimes choices are not always available. I recognise I’m sinking and have no-one around now to stem the downward trend. Just need to hold on a little longer until I can exercise my final solution.

 

admin posted at 2017-12-8 Category: Family